Still Alive but Barely Breathing
by AtLoLevad
Summary: Eddie has been distant lately and Jamie wants to know why. But nothing could have prepared him for this


Jamie was measuring out the right amount of milk and sugar that would make the precinct's sludge actually taste halfway like coffee when a blonde blur buzzed past him.

"Hey!" He called, reaching a hand out and grabbing Eddie's wrist, "What's the hurry?"

His girlfriend reluctantly let herself be stopped in her tracks, forcing a small smile onto her face as she spun to face Jamie.

"Hey, Reagan," she said softly. She quickly looked around the precinct, hoping no one was watching the interaction.

Jamie laughed lightly, "What are you looking around for? Renzulli can't do anything to us. We aren't partners."

Eddie nodded distractedly, her fingers twitching while being held by Jamie's, "I know."

Jamie's brow creased, "Eddie? What's up? You've been avoiding me lately."

Eddie licked her lips nervously. She couldn't meet Jamie's eyes.

"I know. I'm sor-I just. I needed space," she whispered, pulling away from him.

Jamie wouldn't let their hands separate. He held on tightly, even as Eddie protested.

"I thought we were doing okay," Jamie said, his eyes going soft and his mouth turning down in a frown, "We navigated the switch from partners to not working together really well. You've been pulling away for weeks now. You're shutting me out, Eddie. Why?"

Eddie bit down on her lip and tugged at her ponytail with her free hand. She shifted her weight and sighed heavily.

"I know," she murmured, and looked around, "Jamie...I just...I didn't know how-how to tell you."

She sniffed, "Can we not do this in the middle of the precinct?"

Jamie nodded, scared of what Eddie was going to tell him. He held her hand tightly and led Eddie out to his car.

They climbed into the front seats and Eddie picked at her nails, missing something now that Jamie had let her hands go.

"What didn't you know how to tell me?" Jamie prodded gently.

Eddie sucked in a breath, her voice catching, "Jamie. Jamie, I'm so sorry!"

Her voice broke on a sob, but she didn't start crying.

Jamie felt a chill run down his back.

"Eddie?" He asked, his voice trailing off.

Eddie braced herself against the car's dashboard, "I was pregnant."

The silence filled the car, practically suffocating the couple. Until Jamie broke it.

"Was?" He choked, having difficulty finding enough oxygen to breathe.

Tears sprung to Eddie's eyes and she tried to explain, "I didn't even know! Which maybe makes this even worse. But I just, I went to the doctor's for a routine physical. And he asked about any unusual, I mentioned some cramping I had. They...they did some tests. It...it was too l-late. It happened. It happened and then it was gone."

She was crying openly now, her tears slurring her words and making it hard for Jamie to understand. Eddie curled in on herself, staring at the dash, too afraid and upset to look at Jamie.

For his part, Jamie was shell-shocked. Eddie's secret was like a gut punch. She was crying and he wanted to cry and holy crap, pregnant.

 _No_ , a small, mean voice whispered in the back of his mind, _not pregnant. No baby. There's nothing._

Jamie shuddered and reached out for Eddie's hand. She ignored him.

"Eddie…" he started and then stopped. Because, really, what the hell could he say?

"I didn't," Eddie mumbled, "I didn't know how to tell you. I lost our baby, Jamie. How was I s-supposed to t-tell you that?"

She didn't wait for Jamie to answer, instead Eddie swiped at the tears streaming down her face and bolted from the car.

Jamie was too stunned to chase after her. When he finally came to his senses, Eddie was long gone and he was late for his shift.

Jamie knew that Eddie was working the same tour he was, so she should have been off at the same time.

But each and every one of his dozen phone calls went straight to voice mall and his texts went unanswered.

"Jesus, Eddie," Jamie murmured, rubbing a hand over his face. He pushed his phone into his jeans' pocket and made his way to Eddie's apartment.

He practically sprinted the last few blocks, desperate to see Eddie after he had spent the whole day turning her confession over in his mind.

Not bothering to knock, Jamie let himself into her place with his key.

"Eddie?" he called out, "You here?"

There was a faint noise form her bedroom and Jamie headed towards it, not caring if she didn't want to see him.

Eddie was curled up under her blankets, but he could hear her muffled, "Please leave, Reagan."

"Not a chance, Eddie," he said, kicking off his boots and climbing onto the bed next to her.

"I'm not leaving," he whispered, stroking her hair away from her face.

"You should," she mumbled, "I lost our baby."

Jamie shook his head, "It wasn't your fault. You didn't know."

She cut him off with a sharp glare, "I should have known. I should have realized."

Just as quickly as it had appeared, the glare was gone, replaced with heaving sobs.

Jamie wrapped his arms around Eddie's shaking shoulders, "Let it out, it's okay. I'm here. I'm not going any where."

"I'm sorry," Eddie sobbed, "I'm so sorry."

Jamie stroked Eddie's hair, "I'm sorry. I'm the one who's sorry. I should have talked to you. I knew something was wrong. I shouldn't have let you deal with this alone."

Eddie's tears tapered off, but she still let herself be held.

"I love you, Jamie," she breathed, "And I loved our baby."

"I know," he sighed, feeling the dark chill of loss settle over him, "I know."

* * *

 **A/N: Well, have some depressing Jamko to enjoy on this lovely Saturday. I saw this gifset on Tumblr of the same scenario for Andy and Sam on Rookie Blue and I had to write this.**

 **Let me know what you think!**

 **As always, my inboxes here and on Tumblr are always open for prompts :D**


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